2 months or 60 days or 1,440 hours or 86,400 minutes or 5,184,000 seconds

I’m finally over the two month hump and I honestly feel like I’ve accomplished something! This is the longest that we’ve been apart since we’ve been married and the longest I’ve ever had our daughter by myself. The house, while not quite up to her standards, doesn’t exactly look like a tornado’s blown through either. I think she has little fairy helpers or something, because I don’t know how she managed to work a full day, do our daughter's hair, wash/fold clothes, and still get a decent amount of rest. I helped out a little, but this experience has really shown me how much I hadn’t been doing all these years!

I’ve come to the conclusion that the ability to communicate using various internet resources could possibly be some sort of enemy ploy to drive me crazy! I didn’t realize that internet speeds as slow as they have over there still existed. Most of the time, it’s just enough to tease you into thinking that you’re going to be able to have a decent video chatting session. Other times, it just cuts out for no reason and you’re left wondering if everything is ok. And then, there are the days when you don’t hear anything at all, not even a quick message to say “I love you”. Those are the worst. Sometimes I wish things were like when my Dad deployed to Desert Storm and all you really had were letters in the mail, video tapes sent back and forth, and the occasional phone call. That way I wouldn’t worry as much if I didn’t hear from her for a day or two. Technology creates unreal expectations and can sometimes make you forget that it's still a war zone and communication will never be normal.

I still battle insomnia, but it has gotten a little better. I have some days where I get a little sad. When I have a bad day at work, it’s depressing that I can’t call her on my break to vent. Most of the time, I’m so busy during the day that it doesn’t hit me until it’s close to bedtime. That’s when my wife and I normally have a few moments alone…my favorite part of our busy days. I still haven’t slept on her side of the bed. Not sure why. I guess I’ve just gotten so used to staying on my side of that huge king size bed that it’s natural. I don’t think I’ll get used to rolling over and her not being there.

Our daughter misses her mother dearly. She seems to have taken on some of the characteristics of her mother that our house is missing during this deployment. During the morning drive, she constantly reminds me to drive safely. When I’m cooking, she reminds me to be careful and not burn myself. That toddler has the nagging down to a science! She wants to paint her nails like her mother and style her hair in a similar fashion. I picked her up from daycare today and was pleasantly surprised to find out that the teacher had taken the afro that I dropped her off with and turned it into a nice set of braids! That’s one less thing that I have to do, so to say I was grateful is an understatement. Our daughter seemed to like it, as she smiled and told me that her teacher made her hair pretty….but as soon as we got to the car, she said “Daddy, can you fix my hair, I don’t like it. I want my hair like mommy’s!”. I guess when these braids run their course, it will be back to the afro like mommy.

It hasn’t been all bad though. Yes, I count every day and mark the calendar as if I'm in prison waiting for parole. Sure, I miss my wife like crazy. Still doesn’t get easier to explain to our daughter when she asks “is mommy coming home yet”, that it’s still going to be a while. But it’s also given me a chance to create a bond with our ever-changing little girl. I’m spending more time than ever just being there for her. I’m focusing on projects that I’ve put off for far too long. It’s shown me the things that I haven’t been doing around the house and how to be a better father and husband. This isn’t an easy journey, but I know that at the end of it all, I’ll be a better man and we’ll be a family that can endure anything.

I'm not depressed, I just want to be alone!

During deployment, it is important to recognize the signs and symptoms of depression. According to WebMD, some of the symptoms of depression are:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Now, we also have to understand that there is a difference between simply being sad and depression. There is going to be, in most cases, a period of sadness and change associated with deployment. This is normal. It is not uncommon for people to have some of the symptoms of depression, yet not be suffering from depression.

I have had people express concern about me being depressed because they say I haven't been acting like myself. And you know what, to an extent, they are right! But I assure you, I am not depressed. At times, I have difficulty concentrating, fatigue, and decreased energy; because I am working a full time job, taking care of the house by myself, and chasing behind a toddler without the woman whom I grossly underestimated the extent to which I lean on her for help! 

I feel guilty at times. I'm a man. My natural tendency is to be a protector. I married a woman who loves being a Soldier and serving her country. There are moments when I feel guilty that she is in a war zone, while I rest in the comfort of our own bed. But I remind myself that my job is important here and my support helps her to stay focused.

Insomnia has become a part of my life. I can't explain where it came from, but it started with the deployment. It has gotten a little better though. There are a nights here and there that I can fall asleep at a decent hour, but most nights require a sleep aide. I'm at a point where it's manageable, and that's the most important thing to me. Getting only a couple of hours sleep a night is not healthy.

Am I more irritable than usual? The answer would have to be yes. Deployment is stressful for the servicemember and the family. I worry about my wife and I have a lot on my plate here. So some things that I would let roll off my shoulder before, really irritate me now. 

And, I have lost some interest in activities that I once found pleasurable, including sex! Sex is a big deployment concern for many couples. What you do when those urges arise is up to you.That being said, I'm a firm believer that cheating is never the answer. For me, I try to turn my attentions elsewhere when sexual urges arise because I don't want to focus on a desire that can not be fulfilled. Even if you and your spouse had a very sexual relationship prior to deployment, you have to find your mental "off" switch! If you don't, you can allow the lack of sex to consume you and lead you to make a huge mistake. I've seen it happen to couples plenty of times in my many years of affiliation with the military.

In addition, I probably don't socialize as much as I would normally like to. I still get out a decent amount and I talk to friends/family all the time. But on the weekends, after a stressful week of work, most often I'd rather just relax at home. I've got projects around the house that I want to accomplish. I've got video games and movies that keep me entertained for hours.I have a toddler that loves to spend time with her daddy. When I'm home, I'm happy. It's my place of refuge. I work with people all day; everyone needs some time alone.

WebMD has a depression assessment that I decided to take, just to see what it would say. I answered as honestly as the details I shared above. Here is some of what it said:

Your answers aren't like the ones usually provided by people suffering from major depression, dysthymia, or other types of depression. However, depression symptoms can fluctuate greatly and vary between individuals. Only your doctor can properly diagnose and treat you.

Please see your doctor so that you obtain a complete evaluation and diagnosis.

Everyone feels sad at times, and that occasional feeling may last a few hours or even a few days. A major change in life -- including illness or a death -- may be followed by weeks of sadness. However, this doesn't necessarily define a person as depressed or lead to a depressive disorder.

As stated, it should not be used in place of a doctor. I know myself and I also talked to my doctor when I started having insomnia; I'm not depressed. I do have periods of sadness, but I've been going through a major life change, so this is normal. Often times, people with good intentions will try to diagnose a condition based on what they went through, read, or heard from someone else. If you feel like you may be suffering from depression, talk to a professional. You may find out that what you are going through is normal. Or you may find out that you are indeed going through depression. And if you are, that same doctor is much better equipped to get you the assistance you need than the friends with good intentions.

Wars within the War

During this time of war, in addition to the regular attacks on our troops by enemy forces, there have also been other types of attacks. These "green on blue" attacks are "friendly" forces killing our troops. In 2011, there were 35 instances. In 2012 so far, there have been 51. These things get quite a bit of media coverage due to the loss of life as a direct result.

Something that concerns me just as much, if not more than "green on blue" attacks, is the threat that wears the same uniform as my wife. Sexual harassment and assault are a big problem within the military. Men and women are victimized by their comrades. As a Army civilian employee, I have to attend the Sexual Harassment/Assault Response and Prevention program, along with the Soldiers. It is saddening to hear the stories of those that have been attacked by people they trusted with their lives.

In a deployed environment, this is a threat that most people don't realize exists. I personally know of many female Soldiers who, in addition to walking around with their service weapon for protection against enemy attacks, also walk around with knives for protection against fellow Soldiers.

According to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, there were 6,350 sexual assaults reported by service members within the past two years. That number doesn't account for the number of sexual assaults that go unreported. The DOD Safe Helpline was launched in April 2011 to provide support for servicemembers who are victims of sexual assault. From the launch, until the end of the fiscal year (October 2011), the helpline assisted more than 770 individuals. In the general US population, the female sexual assault prevalence is about 17%. In the military, it is within the 23-33% range. 

Sexual assault has long lasting side effects, including PTSD. The Center for Deployment Psychology also notes the following:

Military sexual trauma may have more dire consequences for its victims because of a number of phenomena unique to military life. To begin, among military units home, work and social environments are often co-mingled. Though a contributor to unit cohesion, this phenomenon may make it impossible for a victim to find safety; the victim may encounter the assailant in barracks, at work, or where unit members spend leisure time. The omnipresence of weapons may increase the sense of physical threat during an assault. The need to depend on one another in combat operations may undermine a victims’ resolve to fight off an assault. It may also deter a victim from filing a complaint. When the rapist is the ranking officer, these difficulties are intensified (Sadler et al, 2003). Victims may be fearful of saying “no” to a commanding officer’s advances or attacks, and may fear that bringing charges in the aftermath would put their lives in greater danger. Some victims fear that accusing one’s commanding officer of sexual assault will end the victim’s military career.

These are the sad facts. And these are the things that cause me to toss and turn at night. I see the stories on the news about roadside bombs and "green on blue" attacks and they make my stomach turn. But I am equally disturbed by the statistics of servicemembers sexually assaulting other servicemembers. Though these attacks may not directly result in troop deaths, they can have a long lasting psychological effects and could even lead to suicide. 

The training classes are a great tool to educate people, but real change starts with the people at the bottom, not a mandatory class that came down from the top. All accounts of sexual harassment and assault must be taken seriously and investigated without prejudice based on the reputation or rank of the servicemembers involved. Prosecution has to extend far beyond just a slap on the wrist, which could be accomplished with a mandatory minimum sentence for such charges. According to an article I read on Military.com, convicted sex offenders in the military receive about 2 years in prison per victim; while in the civilian world, the sentence is about 10 years in prison per victim. 

So as I close my eyes and say a prayer for our troops fighting the war against terrorist organizations, I also pray for their safety against the threats that many people don't realize exist. It's hard enough to fight a war against an enemy who is willing to die for their beliefs; imagine how hard it is when you're not sure if you can trust those who swore an oath to stand by you in this fight.

A new opportunity to reach people

I'm so excited to tell you all about my latest piece. I was given an opportunity to write an article for Baseguide, Military Spouse Magazine's official online community. I was honestly stumped about what I would write about, but a discussion over on MANning the Homefront provided great inspiration. So check out the link below and share it with a friend!

"10 Creative Ways to Say I Love You From the Homefront"

Barbies, and Board Games, and Bieber! Oh my!

When I was a child, I played with Barbies. I also played board games like “Girl Talk” and “Mall Madness”. No, I didn’t have these things in my room along with my Nintendo and He-Man toys. I had a little sister who, when the street lights came on, needed someone else to play with! Sure, I'd bring some of my stuff into the mix, but most little boys wouldn't dare come near those girl toys. I wasn't too concerned with what a typical boy was supposed to play with, I was more concerned with the big smile my baby sister would have whenever I took the time out to play her games with her. She still remembers those days and is forever grateful. Little did I know, while I was helping my sister enjoy her toys, she was helping to mold a future version of myself.

So here I am, a grown man, and I still play with Barbies! The girlie board games have turned into Nintendo DS games and Playstation 3 games. And instead of a little sister, it’s my little daughters. That smile that I see when I plop down on the floor means even more now. Thanks to those days with my sister, I can even help my girls braid their dolls hair. Being a good big brother prepared me to be a good father.

As a parent, especially a military spouse, you often have to take on the role of mother and father. Sometimes that means stepping out of a gender comfort zone and supporting your child. Mothers often have to show interest in a wide variety of sports, video games or super hero toys. Fathers have to suffer through Justin Bieber, makeup, or the latest “must-have” doll. These are the things that we do because we love our children.

Many of my days are spent having tea parties, coloring, and painting finger nails. In her mother’s absence, I must also become the “daddy hair stylist.” Braiding doll hair taught me to braid my daughter’s hair. I’m nowhere near as good as her mother, but that isn’t the goal.

Our purpose as a military spouse is not to replace that missing parent. Our goal should be to do our best to be a suitable temporary substitute. My daughter doesn’t care that daddy gets a little polish on her fingers when trying to paint her nails. She doesn’t care that the braids are all different sizes. All she cares about is that daddy tried. Heck, I sent her to daycare with a curly afro and a flower headband! But to her, it might as well had been a princess tiara, because I tried! So no matter how hard things get, just remember to show up for your substitute duty and try your best!

The "new normal"

As week 2 of this deployment draws to a close, I have to say that this is definitely a life-changing experience. They say that times flies when you’re having fun…I guess during deployment it almost comes to stand still! I thought that the deployment fair and its wonderful handouts were preparing me for this, but I’m coming to find out that all it really did was provide me with a bunch of resources. Don’t get me wrong, resources are great and I have used some of them already, but that is only part of the equation.

I really think that there should be a class available to help prepare you for the mental side of deployment. My “deployment 101” class would be spouses sharing their experiences with stress, loneliness, and depression during this time of separation. I had no idea that insomnia was quite normal. It wasn’t until a week of sleepless nights that I finally talked to other military spouses about it and found out they had been through the same thing. When you’re unprepared for the mental side effects of deployment, it can hit you like a ton of bricks. Prior to my wife leaving, I made sure to have the power of attorney in hand, cell phone service temporarily shut off, and contact information for the Rear Detachment….but nobody told me I should probably have some sleeping pills too. The only plus side to insomnia is that my wife says this is the most productive I’ve been since we got married!

Aside from the sleepless nights, I’ve had to deal with balancing caring for myself, a 3 year old girl, and a dog. Now this may not seem like much to some, but for me it turned out to be a lot tougher than I expected. Let’s start with the dog that was such an awesome addition to our family prior to the deployment. Then my wife left and she showed her true colors. First 2 days she refused to eat in the morning before I left for work, so I put her food away. Both days I came home to a trashcan turned upside down with its contents strewn across the downstairs floor! Day 3 I tried a different approach to the refusal to eat and left her food out so that she could enjoy it at her leisure. This worked, except for the big pile of doggie poo she left me by the front door! She has since normalized, which is good, because my daughter loves having her around.

My daughter hasn’t been nearly as difficult as the dog. She only asks the same questions a million times a day, demands peanut butter and jelly for dinner every night, and refuses to sleep in her room. That’s the easy stuff for me to deal with. The hardest part has been that she doesn’t want to go back home when we leave the house. I think that coming home reminds her that her mother isn’t there. So I typically try to do something fun while we’re out and take plenty of pictures. Then when we head home, I tell her we’ll send them to her mother on the computer, and she looks forward to that.

Finding a “new normal” takes time. Balancing the household by yourself, while supporting your Soldier, is no easy task. But I’m glad I’ve found great a community of support, both online and at our base. I might survive this after all!

"The First 24"

It's almost a surreal experience. The months leading up to deployment seemed to pass by very slowly. We both got to the point where we just wanted the day to hurry up and get here. Then it got here and we could barely recall where all the time went between finding out about the deployment and the farewell kiss. Now it's just me and a little girl who I honestly think my wife injected with Red Bull and Pixy Stix as a prank before getting on the airplane! I forgot how difficult parenting can be when you can't say "go see your mother"!

So here we go. I know this isn't going to be an easy road to travel. But I’m up for the challenge! 

They say you'll learn a lot about yourself during deployment. Well, here are 10 things I learned in the first 24 hours:

1. There are crickets in the attic. It’s amazing the things you notice when the house is so quiet. They are so loud it feels like we’re camping.
2. I can surf the internet for 2 hours straight without accomplishing anything of significance.
3. Our 3 year old daughter can hold her pee for about 15 minutes if we’re in Wal-Mart; but with an iPad loaded with Dora the Explorer episodes, this time is easily tripled!
4. Letting your toddler sleep in the bed with you is supposed to be so you can help them sleep better, but sometimes it’s the other way around. Honestly, neither one of else felt much like sleeping, so we watched cartoons all night.  But when we did fall asleep, it almost felt like my wife was still here with the baby hogging the covers and kicking me in her sleep!
5. No matter how many times you watch a Sesame Street deployment DVD, try to explain that mommy is leaving, and do all you can to prepare your child for this time, there will still be plenty of tears and questions about when mommy is coming home.
6. I never thought I’d own anything with “Proud Army Husband” on it….that is, until my wife gave me one last kiss and a dog tag with an engraved message on the back of it that would make even the toughest man wear it with pride!
7. If it was up to me and my daughter, we could probably survive a year on peanut butter & jelly sandwiches or cereal! I’ll start with the healthy stuff tomorrow and make the wife happy!
8. Living in a digital age, it’s hard not to express how you feel about your spouse leaving via social media when you know you have to exercise OPSEC (Operations Security) and not give away information about troop movement (You’d be surprised by the number of people that go straight home from saying goodbye and post pictures online along with updates about their spouse’s travel to their deployment destination). 
9. Setting up a play date for the day after is a smart move. Our daughter had a blast playing with her friend and it took her mind off of everything, at least temporarily.
10. The urge to sulk in the house starts early. Get up and do something! I mapped out my plans for the week and went to the gym while my daughter was on her play date. Nothing lifts the mood like the endorphins triggered by working out.

Deployment resources

With deployment fast approaching, I’ve been trying to gather resources to prepare myself for this big change. Though I’m definitely going to miss my wife, I’m more concerned with our 3 year old daughter adapting. This is the first time she will have to be away from her mother for an extended period of time. We weren’t really sure how to explain to her what was going on. Stumbling through the Military OneSource website, I found a DVD called “Talk, Listen, Connect: Deployments, Homecomings, Changes”. I was able to order a copy for free and it arrived in less than a week. It is geared towards military families and their kids between the ages of 2 and 5. Our daughter’s eyes were glued to the television as she listened to the story of Elmo and his father, as they prepared for him to leave and “go help some people”. Throughout the DVD there are clips of military families discussing, with their children, how they dealt with deployment. The thing I was most pleased with was that there were male and female soldiers shown, so it was relevant to our family. Our daughter fully understood what was going on and this allowed us to easily explain that her mommy had to “go help some people” like Elmo’s dad. She even asked to watch it again when we finished!

For me, the best things I have stumbled upon for myself are avenues of support for male spouses. On Facebook, there is a group called MANing the Homefront- Military Style. Through this group, I was able to meet another male spouse (or MANspouse as they refer to them). He turned out to be a pretty cool guy and a great barber, so you could say I killed two birds with one stone by joining this group! They are also starting chapters at various installations, so we look forward to adding other guys to our local chapter. In the week I have been a part of this group, I have seen men turning to each other for advice, sharing their experiences, and enjoying socializing with others that they can relate to.

I also found an organization called Macho Spouse that has a Facebook page and website. They provide educational videos and links to other resources. The video series on communication is great and is geared towards the male spouse, unlike most other videos I’ve seen.  I also enjoyed the interviews with other male spouses, as they discussed their experiences with deployments, understanding your importance in your spouse’s career, and meeting other spouses.

One of the goals that many families have during the deployment is to save money or pay off bills. I found out that the majority of creditors will reduce the interest rate, on accounts in which the Soldier is the primary, for the duration of the deployment. Most will reduce it to around 6%, but some drop it even lower. It can be quite time consuming getting in touch with the correct department, gathering the required documentation, and sending it off, but it will be well worth it in the long run. This saving spree even prompted me to call my cable and internet companies. While they don’t offer anything special for deployments, they were very helpful with offering me promotions that saved me additional money.

I’ve had a very productive week and though I’m saddened by the fact that my wife’s deployment date was moved up, I am feeling more prepared. And it is easier for a prepared spouse to be a supportive spouse.

What tips do you have for a spouse dealing with deployment?

From the beginning.....

My life as a military spouse began in 2006. To be quite honest, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. All I knew is that I would be marrying a beautiful young lady whom I first dated when I was 17. I ruined that relationship, somehow managed to stay friends with her for the subsequent 8 years and won her heart a second time!

In her, I saw a strong Soldier and a born leader, with a passion for people. She accepted me and my daughter from a previous marriage with open arms.  I couldn’t have asked for a better wife and I just knew that it would be smooth sailing as we began our life together as a military family. However, I quickly found that even though I had grown up as a military child, it’s a totally different ball game being a military spouse.

Anyone associated with the military can tell you about how high the divorce rate is. And believe me, the reasons are very real. The stress of moving from duty station to duty station is just the tip of the iceberg. Financial issues can arise very quickly when families are dependent on two incomes and the spouse has trouble finding a job. But don’t worry, there are plenty of businesses that will give you a loan with a ridiculously high interest rate as long as you can flash an LES (“Leave and Earnings Statement”, a military pay stub). There are also the various temporary duty assignments, schools, and deployments that can leave you anywhere from miles apart to halfway around the world from each other. Keep in mind, there are plenty of single Soldiers in the military looking to have a good time and just as many who are married and lack respect for their own marriage or anyone else’s.  And since I’ve mentioned the Soldier side of it, it’s only fair to mention that the same can be said for some military spouses as well. So, needless to say, separation is a significant stressor.

So like many new couples, we had our share of ups and downs and at times wondered if we were meant to be. The saving grace for our marriage came from the lessons we learned from other military couples in the church we attended at our second duty station. They taught us to build a foundation in our faith and to not let little problems fester until they became big problems.  For the first time, we were able to see Ministers, Deacons, military Officers and NCOs as normal people who had experienced some of the same trials we had. They offered open dialogue and marriage counseling that brought us closer together than ever before.

Now, at our third duty station together in 6 years of marriage, things couldn’t be better. We have two beautiful girls, my wife loves her new job as a Broadcast Journalist, and I have a stable job on post. I’m used to pretty much being the only male military spouse when we get together with other couples, but for the first time in 6 years, it’s starting to bother me a little. It never fails that when we’re hanging out with friends, something military related will come up, so my wife becomes the spokesperson for our house and I just kick back and piece together as much as I can. At our second duty station, I met one other male spouse and we remain good friends to this day. We never really talked much about the whole military spouse thing, but we did have some fierce UNC Tar Heel/Kansas Jayhawk trash talking sessions!

I’ve become friends with many Soldiers as well, but let’s face it, we live on different sides of the military lifestyle. While they can be empathetic to the struggles of the military spouse, most don’t know what it feels like to worry about your loved ones safety when they’re down range. Most don’t know how hard it is to care for the kids by yourself, manage every aspect of the household, balance your job and still find time to preserve your own sanity. And I will never truly understand what it feels like to go to war. On many topics we can relate to each other through empathy, but sometimes it’s hard to truly understand until you’ve walked in those shoes. And that’s why at times I can relate more to the military wife and my wife can relate more to her fellow (male) Soldier.

I was never really interested in FRG (family readiness group) or other military spouse events because they really seemed catered towards women. But with my wife’s first deployment since we’ve been married coming up, I began to look for men that have dealt with deployments and having the kids by themselves for any tips and experiences they can share. Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of guys out there sharing their stories.  I also wonder about what to do during the deployment and what challenges I can expect after the deployment. So for the first time, I will attempt to fully integrate myself by embracing my life as a military spouse and participating in the activities offered on post. Let the journey begin!