Gender-based military spouse groups

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet.”

Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

I was reading an article online titled “Where Do MANspouses Go For Resources?” and I was honestly shocked by some of the comments left on the page. No, they weren’t rude or vulgar. But they just didn’t sit well with me. The focus of most of the comments was on the use of the term “MANspouse”. It was called ridiculous and discrimination by a few people. Though there were a couple of women that echoed these sentiments, they were started by, and most often repeated, by men.

In order to examine the reader opinions of this term and the associated group, MANning the Homefront, I decided to do a little research of my own.

The first thing I decided to look at was the feeling of discrimination. I decided to see how many female military spouse groups I could find online through a simple Google search. This is what I came up with:

Submarine Wives club

The Military Wives Social Club

Military Wives & GF's of Hampton Roads

The Jacksonville Military Wives Club

Military Moms

Christian Military Wives

Military Wives Support Group

Ft. Riley Military Wives

Hawaii Military Wives

Military Mamas & Wives of JBLM

Navy Wives Clubs of America

At this point, I honestly stopped searching, but I’m sure there are a lot more. Some of these are organizations that meet in person and others are FaceBook groups. Then I did a Google search of male military spouse groups. This is what I found:

MANning the Homefront

Macho Spouse

Male-itary Spouses’ Club

Clearly, the number of groups attempting to reach male spouses is limited. On the FaceBook page for MANning the Homefront, there are a lot of women that actively view, comment, and “Like” the posts. Things posted are not just beneficial to male military spouses, but all military spouses. So basically, I can’t understand why some would feel that this organization, or the term “MANspouse”, is discriminatory.

The second thing that I want to look at is the feeling that the name is ridiculous and unnecessary. Well, they had to call it something! In order to get most men involved, you have to have a name that is inviting. In the world of military spouses, males are the minority. It is hard to get a man involved in something that has the phrase “military wives” in it. And unfortunately, when many men see “military spouse”, they automatically think it is geared towards female spouses.

This takes me back to the quote from Shakespeare. It means that you have to focus more on what something is, and less on what it is called. This goes both ways. Men have to understand that many organizations have the phrase “military wives” in it because it has been that way since before most of us became military spouses. That doesn’t mean that men can’t necessarily be involved in that group or an all-inclusive alternative.  And people also have to realize that even if you find the names of the current groups geared towards men to be ridiculous or unnecessary, there is more to them than just a name.

These groups serve as a resource, not to replace the current realm of military spouse groups, but to be a gathering place of men who share a common experience. There will be times when a woman wants to have a spa day with other women and times when a man will want to go fishing with other men. I personally think that groups that connect people with like interests are great. Because after the ladies finish their spa day and the men get back from fishing, we are all still military spouses; and that is more important than any other group name that exists. 

Barbies, and Board Games, and Bieber! Oh my!

When I was a child, I played with Barbies. I also played board games like “Girl Talk” and “Mall Madness”. No, I didn’t have these things in my room along with my Nintendo and He-Man toys. I had a little sister who, when the street lights came on, needed someone else to play with! Sure, I'd bring some of my stuff into the mix, but most little boys wouldn't dare come near those girl toys. I wasn't too concerned with what a typical boy was supposed to play with, I was more concerned with the big smile my baby sister would have whenever I took the time out to play her games with her. She still remembers those days and is forever grateful. Little did I know, while I was helping my sister enjoy her toys, she was helping to mold a future version of myself.

So here I am, a grown man, and I still play with Barbies! The girlie board games have turned into Nintendo DS games and Playstation 3 games. And instead of a little sister, it’s my little daughters. That smile that I see when I plop down on the floor means even more now. Thanks to those days with my sister, I can even help my girls braid their dolls hair. Being a good big brother prepared me to be a good father.

As a parent, especially a military spouse, you often have to take on the role of mother and father. Sometimes that means stepping out of a gender comfort zone and supporting your child. Mothers often have to show interest in a wide variety of sports, video games or super hero toys. Fathers have to suffer through Justin Bieber, makeup, or the latest “must-have” doll. These are the things that we do because we love our children.

Many of my days are spent having tea parties, coloring, and painting finger nails. In her mother’s absence, I must also become the “daddy hair stylist.” Braiding doll hair taught me to braid my daughter’s hair. I’m nowhere near as good as her mother, but that isn’t the goal.

Our purpose as a military spouse is not to replace that missing parent. Our goal should be to do our best to be a suitable temporary substitute. My daughter doesn’t care that daddy gets a little polish on her fingers when trying to paint her nails. She doesn’t care that the braids are all different sizes. All she cares about is that daddy tried. Heck, I sent her to daycare with a curly afro and a flower headband! But to her, it might as well had been a princess tiara, because I tried! So no matter how hard things get, just remember to show up for your substitute duty and try your best!