A new opportunity to reach people

I'm so excited to tell you all about my latest piece. I was given an opportunity to write an article for Baseguide, Military Spouse Magazine's official online community. I was honestly stumped about what I would write about, but a discussion over on MANning the Homefront provided great inspiration. So check out the link below and share it with a friend!

"10 Creative Ways to Say I Love You From the Homefront"

The "new normal"

As week 2 of this deployment draws to a close, I have to say that this is definitely a life-changing experience. They say that times flies when you’re having fun…I guess during deployment it almost comes to stand still! I thought that the deployment fair and its wonderful handouts were preparing me for this, but I’m coming to find out that all it really did was provide me with a bunch of resources. Don’t get me wrong, resources are great and I have used some of them already, but that is only part of the equation.

I really think that there should be a class available to help prepare you for the mental side of deployment. My “deployment 101” class would be spouses sharing their experiences with stress, loneliness, and depression during this time of separation. I had no idea that insomnia was quite normal. It wasn’t until a week of sleepless nights that I finally talked to other military spouses about it and found out they had been through the same thing. When you’re unprepared for the mental side effects of deployment, it can hit you like a ton of bricks. Prior to my wife leaving, I made sure to have the power of attorney in hand, cell phone service temporarily shut off, and contact information for the Rear Detachment….but nobody told me I should probably have some sleeping pills too. The only plus side to insomnia is that my wife says this is the most productive I’ve been since we got married!

Aside from the sleepless nights, I’ve had to deal with balancing caring for myself, a 3 year old girl, and a dog. Now this may not seem like much to some, but for me it turned out to be a lot tougher than I expected. Let’s start with the dog that was such an awesome addition to our family prior to the deployment. Then my wife left and she showed her true colors. First 2 days she refused to eat in the morning before I left for work, so I put her food away. Both days I came home to a trashcan turned upside down with its contents strewn across the downstairs floor! Day 3 I tried a different approach to the refusal to eat and left her food out so that she could enjoy it at her leisure. This worked, except for the big pile of doggie poo she left me by the front door! She has since normalized, which is good, because my daughter loves having her around.

My daughter hasn’t been nearly as difficult as the dog. She only asks the same questions a million times a day, demands peanut butter and jelly for dinner every night, and refuses to sleep in her room. That’s the easy stuff for me to deal with. The hardest part has been that she doesn’t want to go back home when we leave the house. I think that coming home reminds her that her mother isn’t there. So I typically try to do something fun while we’re out and take plenty of pictures. Then when we head home, I tell her we’ll send them to her mother on the computer, and she looks forward to that.

Finding a “new normal” takes time. Balancing the household by yourself, while supporting your Soldier, is no easy task. But I’m glad I’ve found great a community of support, both online and at our base. I might survive this after all!

Duty station friends vs lifelong friends

I grew up as an Army brat. My father served 20 years and I spent my childhood moving every 3 years. One thing I know how to do is make new friends!

And now I continue the “make a friend” trend, as a spouse.  Things have changed quite a bit since I was a child. Gone are the days of paying for long distance phone calls and exchanging mailing addresses. But one thing that hasn't changed is that some people you meet will become lifelong friends, while others are merely duty station friends.

And just to clarify, I don't consider people friends just because Facebook says they are! My friends are in the phone book on my iPhone. We may be in different time zones, but we still get a rousing game of phone tag going in an attempt to have a conversation! One friend even sent me a text message on the 4^th of July reminding me about his cookout and the ice I’m supposed to bring! It’s that type of humor that reminds me that I’ve still got a place in their heart. I may not talk to them often, but my interaction with them extends much further than just "liking" a new picture on a social networking website.

Duty station friends are great when you're in the same physical location, but when that PCS move comes, you typically regress to just Facebook friends; at least until the military brings you back together again.

But lifelong friends are the ones that never let the barrier of distance weaken the friendship. Though you may not talk often, you know they are only a phone call away. These are the people that if the Internet went away today, they would put a letter in the mail just to keep in touch!

There's nothing wrong with being duty station friends. They help you through rough times and are there for some pretty important good times as well.

Finding duty station friends is a gift. But don’t be too disappointed if the closeness doesn’t last long after the PCS move. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season, but true lifelong friends are the gift that keeps on giving.

Redefining Manhood

Like most boys, I was raised with clear cut guidelines of what it meant to be a man. Most of these were unwritten rules; more like observations. Men don't cry. Men work hard and they wear the pants in their relationship. These weren't necessarily a bad foundation, but I've come to learn that like many things in life, my definition of what it means to be a man would evolve through the years.

I don't recall seeing a man in my family cry until I was 19. Not to say that it didn't happen before then, that's just the first significant memory I have. And that was when my grandmother died. As little boys, we're conditioned to believe that tears are a sign of weakness. "Wipe those tears and man up" has got to be in the official "Things a father must say to his son" handbook! When I was 20, I wrote a short poem called "Invisible Tears".

I stand here with my face in my hands,

Bearing pain beyond my years

And the world expects me to still be strong

So I cry these invisible tears

And that pretty much sums up how I lived my life until I finally realized that when you try to shield your emotions from the world, sooner or later you’re going to explode. It’s not a sign of weakness that you shed a tear. It’s a sign of strength that you’re man enough to show your emotions. If you’re afraid to cry because you feel like it’s not manly, then you may also be scared to love. And I’m not just talking about loving the woman you’re with, but loving your friends and family as well.  I spent so much time being a “man” that I didn’t tell one of my closest cousins that I loved him until he was already buried.

I was also taught that a man has to be hard working. You have to work a 9 to 5, or longer, to provide for your family. I’ve heard it said countless times in my short existence, “if a man don’t work, he don’t eat”! And as men, we have a very direct definition of work. It’s somewhere along the lines of “some type of activity that nets a paycheck big enough to support the family”. There have been lots of studies that show what the salary of the average housewife would be, should she be paid for all she does. Most men who have never been a stay-at-home dad don’t understand the amount of work it takes to run a household and take care of the kids. We have to go beyond the traditional “manly” definitions of work. In my opinion, a man is working if he is taking care of his kids, his home, and supporting his wife. Many situations make it difficult for a military spouse to work, in the traditional sense of the word. Why should a man work 12 hours a day just to pay for daycare while he is working? This is the plight of many male military spouses (as well as female). So not only does it not make sense financially, but you’re also not getting to spend any time with your kids and it would be impossible to give your spouse the support that every service member needs. It doesn’t make you any less of a man if you’re not working in the traditional sense of the word, as long as you are there for your family and doing your part to ensure that their needs are met.

If we want to “wear the pants”, we have to understand that we must lead by example. We have to learn to be humble and patient. We have to learn to sacrifice. And sometimes sacrifice means putting aside our male egos and doing what is best for our family, despite how others may view our decision. This is the life of a male military spouse, the ultimate redefining of manhood. 

Deployment resources

With deployment fast approaching, I’ve been trying to gather resources to prepare myself for this big change. Though I’m definitely going to miss my wife, I’m more concerned with our 3 year old daughter adapting. This is the first time she will have to be away from her mother for an extended period of time. We weren’t really sure how to explain to her what was going on. Stumbling through the Military OneSource website, I found a DVD called “Talk, Listen, Connect: Deployments, Homecomings, Changes”. I was able to order a copy for free and it arrived in less than a week. It is geared towards military families and their kids between the ages of 2 and 5. Our daughter’s eyes were glued to the television as she listened to the story of Elmo and his father, as they prepared for him to leave and “go help some people”. Throughout the DVD there are clips of military families discussing, with their children, how they dealt with deployment. The thing I was most pleased with was that there were male and female soldiers shown, so it was relevant to our family. Our daughter fully understood what was going on and this allowed us to easily explain that her mommy had to “go help some people” like Elmo’s dad. She even asked to watch it again when we finished!

For me, the best things I have stumbled upon for myself are avenues of support for male spouses. On Facebook, there is a group called MANing the Homefront- Military Style. Through this group, I was able to meet another male spouse (or MANspouse as they refer to them). He turned out to be a pretty cool guy and a great barber, so you could say I killed two birds with one stone by joining this group! They are also starting chapters at various installations, so we look forward to adding other guys to our local chapter. In the week I have been a part of this group, I have seen men turning to each other for advice, sharing their experiences, and enjoying socializing with others that they can relate to.

I also found an organization called Macho Spouse that has a Facebook page and website. They provide educational videos and links to other resources. The video series on communication is great and is geared towards the male spouse, unlike most other videos I’ve seen.  I also enjoyed the interviews with other male spouses, as they discussed their experiences with deployments, understanding your importance in your spouse’s career, and meeting other spouses.

One of the goals that many families have during the deployment is to save money or pay off bills. I found out that the majority of creditors will reduce the interest rate, on accounts in which the Soldier is the primary, for the duration of the deployment. Most will reduce it to around 6%, but some drop it even lower. It can be quite time consuming getting in touch with the correct department, gathering the required documentation, and sending it off, but it will be well worth it in the long run. This saving spree even prompted me to call my cable and internet companies. While they don’t offer anything special for deployments, they were very helpful with offering me promotions that saved me additional money.

I’ve had a very productive week and though I’m saddened by the fact that my wife’s deployment date was moved up, I am feeling more prepared. And it is easier for a prepared spouse to be a supportive spouse.

What tips do you have for a spouse dealing with deployment?

From the beginning.....

My life as a military spouse began in 2006. To be quite honest, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. All I knew is that I would be marrying a beautiful young lady whom I first dated when I was 17. I ruined that relationship, somehow managed to stay friends with her for the subsequent 8 years and won her heart a second time!

In her, I saw a strong Soldier and a born leader, with a passion for people. She accepted me and my daughter from a previous marriage with open arms.  I couldn’t have asked for a better wife and I just knew that it would be smooth sailing as we began our life together as a military family. However, I quickly found that even though I had grown up as a military child, it’s a totally different ball game being a military spouse.

Anyone associated with the military can tell you about how high the divorce rate is. And believe me, the reasons are very real. The stress of moving from duty station to duty station is just the tip of the iceberg. Financial issues can arise very quickly when families are dependent on two incomes and the spouse has trouble finding a job. But don’t worry, there are plenty of businesses that will give you a loan with a ridiculously high interest rate as long as you can flash an LES (“Leave and Earnings Statement”, a military pay stub). There are also the various temporary duty assignments, schools, and deployments that can leave you anywhere from miles apart to halfway around the world from each other. Keep in mind, there are plenty of single Soldiers in the military looking to have a good time and just as many who are married and lack respect for their own marriage or anyone else’s.  And since I’ve mentioned the Soldier side of it, it’s only fair to mention that the same can be said for some military spouses as well. So, needless to say, separation is a significant stressor.

So like many new couples, we had our share of ups and downs and at times wondered if we were meant to be. The saving grace for our marriage came from the lessons we learned from other military couples in the church we attended at our second duty station. They taught us to build a foundation in our faith and to not let little problems fester until they became big problems.  For the first time, we were able to see Ministers, Deacons, military Officers and NCOs as normal people who had experienced some of the same trials we had. They offered open dialogue and marriage counseling that brought us closer together than ever before.

Now, at our third duty station together in 6 years of marriage, things couldn’t be better. We have two beautiful girls, my wife loves her new job as a Broadcast Journalist, and I have a stable job on post. I’m used to pretty much being the only male military spouse when we get together with other couples, but for the first time in 6 years, it’s starting to bother me a little. It never fails that when we’re hanging out with friends, something military related will come up, so my wife becomes the spokesperson for our house and I just kick back and piece together as much as I can. At our second duty station, I met one other male spouse and we remain good friends to this day. We never really talked much about the whole military spouse thing, but we did have some fierce UNC Tar Heel/Kansas Jayhawk trash talking sessions!

I’ve become friends with many Soldiers as well, but let’s face it, we live on different sides of the military lifestyle. While they can be empathetic to the struggles of the military spouse, most don’t know what it feels like to worry about your loved ones safety when they’re down range. Most don’t know how hard it is to care for the kids by yourself, manage every aspect of the household, balance your job and still find time to preserve your own sanity. And I will never truly understand what it feels like to go to war. On many topics we can relate to each other through empathy, but sometimes it’s hard to truly understand until you’ve walked in those shoes. And that’s why at times I can relate more to the military wife and my wife can relate more to her fellow (male) Soldier.

I was never really interested in FRG (family readiness group) or other military spouse events because they really seemed catered towards women. But with my wife’s first deployment since we’ve been married coming up, I began to look for men that have dealt with deployments and having the kids by themselves for any tips and experiences they can share. Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of guys out there sharing their stories.  I also wonder about what to do during the deployment and what challenges I can expect after the deployment. So for the first time, I will attempt to fully integrate myself by embracing my life as a military spouse and participating in the activities offered on post. Let the journey begin!