Redefining Manhood

Like most boys, I was raised with clear cut guidelines of what it meant to be a man. Most of these were unwritten rules; more like observations. Men don't cry. Men work hard and they wear the pants in their relationship. These weren't necessarily a bad foundation, but I've come to learn that like many things in life, my definition of what it means to be a man would evolve through the years.

I don't recall seeing a man in my family cry until I was 19. Not to say that it didn't happen before then, that's just the first significant memory I have. And that was when my grandmother died. As little boys, we're conditioned to believe that tears are a sign of weakness. "Wipe those tears and man up" has got to be in the official "Things a father must say to his son" handbook! When I was 20, I wrote a short poem called "Invisible Tears".

I stand here with my face in my hands,

Bearing pain beyond my years

And the world expects me to still be strong

So I cry these invisible tears

And that pretty much sums up how I lived my life until I finally realized that when you try to shield your emotions from the world, sooner or later you’re going to explode. It’s not a sign of weakness that you shed a tear. It’s a sign of strength that you’re man enough to show your emotions. If you’re afraid to cry because you feel like it’s not manly, then you may also be scared to love. And I’m not just talking about loving the woman you’re with, but loving your friends and family as well.  I spent so much time being a “man” that I didn’t tell one of my closest cousins that I loved him until he was already buried.

I was also taught that a man has to be hard working. You have to work a 9 to 5, or longer, to provide for your family. I’ve heard it said countless times in my short existence, “if a man don’t work, he don’t eat”! And as men, we have a very direct definition of work. It’s somewhere along the lines of “some type of activity that nets a paycheck big enough to support the family”. There have been lots of studies that show what the salary of the average housewife would be, should she be paid for all she does. Most men who have never been a stay-at-home dad don’t understand the amount of work it takes to run a household and take care of the kids. We have to go beyond the traditional “manly” definitions of work. In my opinion, a man is working if he is taking care of his kids, his home, and supporting his wife. Many situations make it difficult for a military spouse to work, in the traditional sense of the word. Why should a man work 12 hours a day just to pay for daycare while he is working? This is the plight of many male military spouses (as well as female). So not only does it not make sense financially, but you’re also not getting to spend any time with your kids and it would be impossible to give your spouse the support that every service member needs. It doesn’t make you any less of a man if you’re not working in the traditional sense of the word, as long as you are there for your family and doing your part to ensure that their needs are met.

If we want to “wear the pants”, we have to understand that we must lead by example. We have to learn to be humble and patient. We have to learn to sacrifice. And sometimes sacrifice means putting aside our male egos and doing what is best for our family, despite how others may view our decision. This is the life of a male military spouse, the ultimate redefining of manhood.